Opinion: Cablevisión, shame on you!

Cablevisión's monthly magazine, Miradas, has interviews with celebrities every month, and the monthly schedule of programming. To make it easier to find what you are looking for, they have created the following categories: infantiles (children), deportes (sports), cine y series (movies and series), documentales (info-tainment), musicales (musical), variedades (variety), .... and.... mujer (women) !

(Click on the picture for a larger view.)

I'm SO glad they created a category just for women, because now I can find my fashion, makeover, cooking, and home decorating shows all in one place. However, I think the title is VERY unfair!

Women aren't the only people who watch food shows. If you are a fan of Francia y Sus Quesos (France and Its Cheeses) you might be a woman, but you might also be...... gay!

In the name of all my gay friends, I say shame on you, Cablevisión, for completely forgetting the one other section of society that might be interested in these programs. I suggest you change the category to "Mujer/Gay."

The categories Cablevisión has chosen for its guide reflects its closed-minded view of society. Open minds lead to open hearts, lead to world peace.

-Southpat Sue

Ask Southpat: Cheating Boyfriend

Dear Southpat:

I just found out my Argentine boyfriend is cheating on me. I know I should dump him, but I love him. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Joy


Dear Joy:

You have just moved from the "hoar" category to the "madonna" category. Congratulations! You're a keeper!

It's not that your boyfriend doesn't love you. It's that he loves you so much, he has started to think of you as the mother of his children, the one who will provide a comforting and stable home, leaving him to seek his thrills elsewhere. You have two choices:

1. If you want to be wife and mother, then embrace your power. Take his paycheck, set up house the way you want it, and tell him if he ever cheats on you, it's over. Of course, he will still cheat on you- but at least he will be more careful so you won't find out. And if he's a good provider, then don't complain. Life could be worse.

2. If you want to be the party-girl, then you better lose a few pounds, get a boob job, and start doing your Kegel exercises. Every year your competition is that much younger.

Either way, this isn't going to be your Hollywood romantic comedy, soul-mate, love affair. It's complicated, it's dysfunctional, it's... Argentine. It's partitioned differently than North American relationships. You are not his best friend. You're his girlfriend. Here, there's a difference.

I didn't make the rules, honey. I just report them. Good luck.

-Sue

The Urban Yurt: The perfect accessory for your Digital Nomad Lifestyle

The economic crisis in the U.S. and the relative affordability of South America has spurned a trend of movement south by those whose work is "location independent," or, as they like to call themselves, Digital Nomads. Finding housing can be a challenge, however, especially in a city like Buenos Aires, in which many landlords require a guarantee by a property owner in order to secure a rental agreement. Some nomads have found a solution to this problem by bringing their housing with them: the urban yurt. A portable dwelling of 150-square feet with wooden floors that can be set up or taken down in a day, yurts are agile, flexible, and affordable.

"I don't couch surf anymore," says Mike Wilkins, a 7-year dedicated nomad. "I terrace surf. with my yurt, I can pop my own space on a rooftop in a day, bringing my own bedroom with me. It's the perfect solution. What's more, I can put it all in the back of a taxi when I need to move on." Mike uses a laptop with Internet access through a telephone company, and is connected wherever he goes.

While not recommended, some nomads also "stealth yurt," setting up their portable dwellings in abandoned buildings, parking garages, or rooftops that are rarely visited. When they need to move, they can be out in a couple of hours.

Wilkins does confess to some drawbacks of the yurt lifestyle. His yurt was stolen on his first day in Buenos Aires, for example, because he terrace-surfed with the wrong people. It is not weatherproof, and does not have bathroom facilities. Some point out the fine line between the "yurt lifestyle" and being a homeless guy with a tent. But Wilkins remains undaunted.

"It's the wave of the future," says Wilkins, "A true nomad isn't confined to one place. Wherever I am, I am home. It's very liberating."

Welcome to BAB, Iran!

The now WORLD FAMOUS Buenos Aires Blog would like to welcome it's first visitor from Iran! With Ahmadinejad's (pronounced Ahm-a-Dinner-Jacket) recent visit to Brazil, it appears that the Middle East is turning it's eyes to the South:


Perhaps since Iran does not have any gays in it's country, and Buenos Aires known as a gay-friendly city, Iranians are a little gay-curious. Hmmm?

Southpat's Super-Simple Spanish Tips

From Six Conjugations, to One!

One of the most challenging things for Spanish speakers to adjust to when learning a Latin-based language is conjugating all those verbs. Memorizing verb endings is way too confusing, so the BAB has come up with some helpful tips to streamline the learning process:

In most Spanish textbooks, you will find the following pronouns to conjugate verbs with:

• Yo
• Vos (or Tú)
• Usted/El/Ella
• Ellos/Ellas/Ustedes
• Nosotros
• Vosotros

Let's take a look at these one by one, and see if we can simplify your Spanish learning by eliminating the unnecessary ones:

Yo: You don't need it if you talk about yourself in the third person.
Example:

¿Te gustan los libros de L. Ron Hubbard, Southpat?

Si, Southpat le gustan mucho. Son muy graciosos.

Vos/Tú: Let's just eliminate this confusion altogether. Why bother yourself with whether you need to speak Porteño or like the resst of Latin America? Just use the formal with everybody. They will get used to it.
Example:

Hola, Southpat! ¿Cómo estas?

Muy, bien, Tom. ¿Y Usted? ... Que bueno! ¿Y cómo esta Katie?

Ellos/ Ellas/ Ustedes: You can avoid this by rephrasing sentences to avoid using "they." Instead mention a single person first, and then someone else at the end of the sentence.
Example:

Southpat! ¿Cuándo estan viniendo John Travolta y Kelly Preston ?

John esta viniendo a las ocho. Y Kelly tambien.

Nosotros: You can avoid this by careful rephrasing as well.
Example:

Southpat, Tom y vos tienen lo mismo auditor?

Si. Yo tengo David Miscavige. Y Tom tambien.

Vosotros: Don't bother with this one. Only Spaniards use it. And no one trusts them.

As you can see, with Southpat's Simple Spanish Method (trademark pending), the teduim of memorizing conjugations is gone! From six persons to one!

Next time, vocabulary tips....

Exclusive Interview with Health Guru Shri Shri Swami Swami Shri

Interview with Guru Shri Shri Swami Swami Shri on his forthcoming book, The Four New Humours: How to Balance Your Body, Mind, and Spirit to Get Everything You Want in Life Without Having to Do Too Much

Southpat: First, thank you so much for agreeing to spend some time with me. I know you have a very busy schedule right now, with your Oprah appearance coming up.

S.S.S.S.S.: The pleasure is mine.

Southpat: Tell us what inspired your book.

S.S.S.S.S.: The concept of the four humours is an ancient one, connecting the body with the four natural powers: earth, fore, water, and air. These principles are still applicable today, but our world has become much more complicated. So I have updated the conversation to include a more modern version, easily understandable by everyone.

Southpat: Tell us about the first humour: Snark.

S.S.S.S.S.: Snark manifests itself physically in a bitter taste in the mouth, and aching in the joints. The psychological manifestations are irritation at laughing babies, outbursts of cynical comments at inappropriate times, and the inability to trust.

Southpat: What can we do to balance an over-abundance of Snark?

S.S.S.S.S.: Well, I have several recipes in my book, but a simple one is to eat dark chocolate. In addition to being a good source of anti-oxidants, it balances Snark.

Southpat: And the opposite of Snark is Sap. Tell me about Sap.

S.S.S.S.S.: Sap physically manifests in many tears, and reddening of the skin. Many people with an over-abundance of Sap watch romantic comedies and listen to Michael Bublé. A good remedy for this is a coffee colonic, and in truth, drinking mate. I find that people in Buenos Aires rarely have an over-abundance of Sap.

Southpat: What is the third humor?

S.S.S.S.S.: Lube. People usually suffer from a lack, not an over-abundance. Physically, it manifests itself as dry eyes, and constipation. Psychologically, the libido suffers, and people tend to forget to groom themselves properly. Sexual activity is a wonderful remedy for a lack of lube.

Southpat: No one talks much about the fourth humour, Yeast.

S.S.S.S.S.: Yes, this is one which suffers from a lack of attention. People with an over-abundance of yeast are often gaseous, with much flatulence. They tend to have a bad body odor as well. Over-yeasters also become distracted, forgetting what they are doing from moment to moment. My favorite practice to balance yeast is to play the didgeridoo, or other wind instrument.

Southpat: What other advice can we find on your companion website?

S.S.S.S.S.: I have many recipes, and you can also buy my new product Good-Humour Bars, which are a nutritionally balanced snack. I have my own yoga tape, feng-shui book, lectures, zafus for zen meditation, my own line of skin product, and very soon, I will be conducting exclusive sweat-lodge retreats for only $10,000 per participant.

Southpat: Thank you so much for spending time with us today.

S.S.S.S.S.: The pleasure was all mine. Peace and good humour be with you.

Sanford Sex Tape Not Hot Enough to Be Scandalous: Optioned by Hallmark

A new sex tape starring Mark Sanford and his Argentine lover, "Maria," was leaked to the press yesterday. But contrary to inflating the political sex scandal, it has been deemed "not sexy enough" to matter. Media insiders were hoping to see the South Carolina Governor engaged in some S&M or fun fetish behavior, but were disappointed to see Sanford and his lover covered by silk sheets, murmuring love poems to each other, with Michael Bolton music playing in the background.

"I can see hotter sex than this on HBO," commented Sharon Warner, a media consultant who specializes in publicity for movie stars and political figures. "For a sex tape to matter these days, you need at least some toe-sucking. A good sex tape can be a career-changer for a politician on his way out of office. But this is too weak."

All may not be lost for Sanford, however, because the Hallmark Channel is in talks with him to possibly turn his story into a movie-of-the-week.

Play "Spot The Extranjeros" with BAB!

Send in your pictures of extranjero sightings! They tend to wear large sneakers, baseball caps, and look up. Maybe we will even sponsor a prize for the best pic of November! (Free pickle-brine colonic?)

Send pics to: southpatsue@gmail.com

Expat Dies in Tragic Mime Accident

Yesterday at 2:00 in the afternoon, Richard Andersen, an expatriate from Norway was hit by a bus while participating in an exercise for his mime class.

It was the third day of the 37-week intensive course in International Mime, in which students' first assignment is to practice "moving freely in the city." Unfortunately, Andersen was not aware that he still had to be on the lookout for traffic, as pedestrians do not have the right-of-way in Buenos Aires. Crossing Santa Fe against the light, he was struck down by the #152.

Andersen's cousin Anette Andersen, is trying to have his body flown back to Norway. "We want him to be buried in a glass box," says Andersen, "because we think that is what he would have wanted."

No charges are to be filed against the bus driver.

Ask Southpat: Etiquette Tips for Foreigners in BsAs

Dear Southpat:

I'm going to be traveling with my wife to Buenos Aires this November. Can you recommend any etiquette tips that will prevent me from being looked at askance?

Thanks,

Carl

Dear Carl,

I'm so glad you asked. Yes, there are several things I recommend:

1. Talk really loud in restaurants. And when people don't understand you, talk louder. It helps.

2. Comment loudly about how cheap everything is, especially when you are with Argentine acquaintances. It makes them feel proud about the good value they are offering to foreigners.

3. If you get invited to dinner at 9:00 PM, it really means 8:55. It's important to be prompt.

4. If you have to stand in a long line for anything, go ahead and march right up to the front. People don't mind if you go first, as you are a foreigner.

5. Waiters should be on top of it all the time. If you don't get your check promptly, point at your watch to let him know you are in a hurry and tell him "andale! check-o!" You might need to get visibly huffy, but you should be in and out of a cafe in 15 minutes of you need to.

6. Big, puffy, marshmallow-like tennis shoes are really in style this season. So is the "deck hand look": cargo shorts, T-shirt, baseball cap, and sandals.

7. No one shops without their Starbucks to-go cup in their hand. Always carry it with you.

8. Topics of interest at cocktail parties with locals are the Falkland Islands, and American football. They are big fans of the 49ers.

9. It's really macho to show how much you can drink in the least amount of time.

Hope these tips help. Have fun!

Southpat Sue

"Frodo" Added to List of Argentine Baby Names

Video game developers and New Zealand natives, Aragorn and Arwen Walker, finally got news that their soon-to-be-born son will be allowed to have the name they have always wished for: Frodo.

Children born in Argentina are required to have names that are chosen from a state-approved list, most of which were traditionally names of Catholic saints. But over the years, the Argentine government has been more and more lenient with the law, approving those names which have become popular in other countries, or are consistent with the family's cultural traditions.

Huge fans of the Lord of The Rings trilogy, The Walkers changed their first names shortly after they met. They always planned to name their children from the story as well. "We were a little nervous at first that the Argentine government would consider Frodo too wackadoo," commented Aragorn. "But after we showed them the deep roots that the literary tradition and Renaissance Fairs have in our family, they conceded."

Frodo Walker is due on the 31st of October.

Religious Theme Park Considering Maradona Water Slide

Maradona's celebration of the Argentine national soccer team's win over Peru has become so popular, that Tierra Santa, a religious theme park in Buenos Aires, is considering building a water slide to honor it.



The proposal is for a giant water slide with a statue of Maradona at the top with arms outstretched. But there are a few minor considerations, the first is that the slide would not be in keeping with the major theme of the park, Christ's Crucifuxion.

"We are in negotiations now," says a spokesperson for the park. "We are thinking we might have a separate area dedicated to the slide. But it still depends largely on the performance of the national team. If they win the world cup, it would indeed be a miracle."

Pickle-Brine Colonic: Boost Your Immune System

A spa in Recoleta, BellaCuerpo, has developed a new treatment for those who are worried about contracting swine flu: The pickle-brine colonic. It's advertised as a sure-fire way to boost your immune system and leaving you refreshed. Ada Martinez, the spa's owner, says the cure has been a family remedy for ages, and she decided to share the secret with the rest of the world.

"My great-grandmother discovered the treatment when she had to store her pickle brine in an enema bag my uncle used it accidentally. We've been using it in my family for ages, and I recently introduced it in the spa. Clients love it."

Ada claims that the special colon cleanse not only increases your chances of battling the flu, but also has helped several members of her family overcome their alcohol addictions. Clients of the spa who have tried it say it leaves them feeling refreshed and energetic. What's more, some clients report a pleasant after-effect of flatulence that smells like dill. The treatment costs $75 pesos and takes about half an hour.

New Children's Book Celebrates the Joys of Protesting

Bang That Pot, Baby! is a new picture book by Felicity Summers celebrating the group ritual of freedom of expression. Summers, an American living in Buenos Aires with her family for the last three years, has been struck both by the strong sense of family in South America, and the strong desire for expression. Protests are common in Buenos Aires, with residents taking to the streets in large numbers, banging pots and pans in support of their favorite cause.

"There is no reason why a protest should not be a family affair," says Summers. "Even if the children are not old enough to understand the cause, they understand solidarity. When I protested against Bush in the U.S., we had a neighborhood party, with all the children coloring in the signs. It's a fun way for them to participate in democracy. It's never too young to learn to speak out."

Bang That Pot, Baby! celebrates the fun of protesting South American Style with her own photographs, and whimsical rhymes:

I bang them in the house,
I bang them in the street,
It's a happy party
With everyone I meet!

I bang them in the yard,
I bang them on TV!
On the boulevard,
Hey, Mommy, look at me!

I bang them for a cause,
I wave my little sticks,
Even though I'm young,
I'm learning politics!

Bang That Pot, Baby! is available on Amazon.com.

Ask Southpat: Is My Argentine Girlfriend Only After My Money?

Dear Southpat:

I have been dating an Argentine girl for about three months now. She is beautiful and fun to be with. I'm beginning to worry, however, that she's only after my money. Should I be worried that I'm dating a gold-digger?

Sincerely,

Joe

Dear Joe:

Of course she's after after your money. Who cares? It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. You're not settling for a horse-face, don't hold it against her for not settling for a broke loser.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a better standard of living, and there is nothing wrong with an Argentine trophy wife. They're all the rage. Ask Matt Damon or Robert Duvall. You bring home the bacon, and she cooks it up in a thong. It's a win-win.

Sincerely,

Southpat Sue

Please Welcome Zeke to the BAB!

Dear readers,

Your humble editor is happy to announce a new addition to the BAB: Zeke Zimmerman. Zeke has worked for years in a prestigious Wall Street firm, and travels between Buenos Aires and New York regularly. He has an instinct for finance and a fabulous eye for fashion, so look for some posts on Money and Style from him. His first post is below.

Finance: Three Places to Put Your Cash

Many expats move to South America with the goal of leveraging the currency exchange between countries and living either partially or completely off of their savings, trying to stretch it as far as it will go. The recent economic crisis has complicated those who hold U.S. dollars in cash, because interest rates are low, and fear of inflation is in the air. Gold is the traditional vehicle of choice for crisis situations, but the price of gold has already risen so far, many are wondering if there are other choices to consider.

After some in-depth intuition-based financial analysis, I have come up with three investment choices to think about that hold mid-range promise:



Plutonium. Plutonium has fallen since its high in 1985, after the release of Back to The Future spurned a rally. With countries like North Korea and Iran looking to expand their nuclear capabilities, the demand for Plutonium will rise through the next decade.




Rhinestones. Rhinestone reserves have held steady over the past three decades, but the popularity of the bedazzler has created an uptick in demand. As the bedazzler hits the Asian and South American markets, rhinestone prices should rise and remain steady for at least five years.







Wax. Although wax has become increasingly popular since the 90's, it's price should remain steady for the near term, since body hair is nowhere near coming back. I have had my eye on the adult film industry for years, and hair is still out. This means wax is in. Look to large bee farms especially, as the popularity of organic wax will rise with the green movement.







Talk to your financial advisor about index funds that contain these commodities to round out your portfolio and hedge against inflation. Fidelity is starting a rhinestone fund and a wax fund, for example, that seek to balance risk by investing in a variety of companies in the industry.

Q & A :The Art Scene

Here is a recent question from the BANewcomers mailing list. I thought I would share it with you, dear readers, since many of you might have the same question.

Are there a lot of expat writers and artists in BA?
Is it anything like Paris was several decades ago? Or New York in the 60s/70s?
I'm talking about the real thing, not people who sort of say they are just to seem cooler

If so, what's the community like and where do they hang out?

Yes! Buenos Aires has a thriving artistic scene! We expat writers and artists (the real ones) hang out at the "Moveable Feast" cafe, smoking cigarettes and clicking our fingers at poetry readings.

It is just like Paris or New York of the past, except the women shave their armpits.

Most Expat Stories Not Original Enough to Be Published Anymore

Moved abroad? Want to creatively cash in on your experience? Well, if you are thinking of turning your long, meandering blog posts on tango or mate into a book, think again; the "I'm Special Because I Moved Abroad and You Can Be Special Too If You Read This Book" genre is over-saturated. I interviewed Karen Rightwell, publisher at Bibliophile Publishing Group, Inc.

Rightwell: Travel writing has been popular as far back as the book of Exodus, but the world is extremely small these days. It takes a lot more than parting the red sea to have a compelling travel story. We knew that Buenos Aires had jumped the shark when Matt Lauer highlighted it as a destination on the Today show. We are swamped with query letters from South America and Thailand, especially.

So what is Bibliophile looking for?

Rightwell: Everyone's experience is unique, of course, but people want to read something extreme. Someone who has started his own nation-state, for example, or perhaps a family who has spent the last decade living in a submarine. Those would have real market potential.

Can you offer any tips to those that have an idea?

Rightwell: If you think you have a book idea that will sell, make it stand out from the others. You can write your query letter in all capital letters, or write it as a conversation between Hello Kitty and My Melody. Taking out all punctuation makes us have to slow down, so we spend more time considering the idea.

If you have the next great expat book idea, you can email query letters to krightwell@bibliophile.com

BAB News: Get Ready for a New Look to Our Site!

Our most awesome web master has informed us that within a week, we will have a completely redesigned site with Flash, animation, and tango music that you can't turn off. We might also have Second Life integration as well! So don't be confused when you see BAB 2.0..... It's still the same authoritative source of news for the Expat Community in Buenos Aires!

Chavez Bans the Color Yellow

Add another thing to the list of banned items in Venezuela. Coke Zero is was already banned for "health" reasons, now the color yellow is seen as a sign of anti-government subversiveness. Besides, Chavez has stated, it makes people look washed-out and weak, which is not the image he wants for his people.

The country will be given one month to get rid of all its yellow clothing and paint houses a different color. Huge vats of red dye have been placed in "color treatment" centers around the country where citizens can dye their clothes and pick up cans of red paint.

Foreigners planning to travel to the country are warned to leave behind any yellow clothing. Those found wearing the offending color after the deadline will be questioned by authorities about their loyalties and imprisoned.

First Expat Intramural Softball Game Cancelled

The first expat intramural softball game between the City-Slickers (oil company employees and spouses) and the TOEFL-Tuffies (English teachers), has been canceled because the City-Slickers star pitcher has had some complications from a recent "procedure" and won't be able to play for another week.

This is disappointing, because it was going to be a good match-up. The league is still deciding whether there will be a re-match, or whether the inability of City-Slickers to play counts as a forfeit. "We don't really want to win by forfeit," commented an unnamed Tuffie. "But personally, it's probably a good thing, because a lot of us were at the Buenos Aires Pub Crawl last night."

Stay tuned for the match-up between Team Tango and Web Warriors.

AR Customs Tries to Tax Del Potro's Trophy

Juan Martin Del Potro, 2009 men's winner of the U.S. Open was miffed early this morning when Argentine Customs officials stopped him at Ezeiza International Airport and tried to levy a tax on his newly won trophy. According to customs rules, Argentine citizens need to claim and pay taxes on any items over US$300 that they bring back from the United States. After a lengthy negotiation with the authorities, they waived the fine, finally acknowledging that his trophy qualifies under a little known "National Hero Exemption."

Buenos Aires Best City for Under-Performing Americans

Americans used to move to Buenos Aires because they wanted to study Spanish or Tango. Increasingly, they are moving because they are being pushed out of the job market by companies who are cutting loose the bottom ten or twenty percent. Silicon Valley Insider recently found that Buenos Aires is the best destination for under-performing Americans to become somebody.

Due to the more relaxed work ethic, low performers fit right into the "Mañana Mañana" culture, and workers' rights protect them from being laid off. Recent college graduate Mark Loafer explained, "I was tired of competing with over-achieving Asian students. When we go up for the same job, I have no chance. But here in Buenos Aires, I don't have to sleep under my desk to get ahead at work. Skipping an occasional lunch sets the bar higher for everyone else."

Easy street may not last forever, though. Increasingly, German and Swiss college graduates are also discovering the city and will soon make things difficult for their less anal-retentive counterparts.

Your Humble Editor Already Dissed by Prestigious Member of Expat Community!

Dear Readers,

I try my best to reach out to fellow expats in order to inform and enlighten. However, it appears that some members of our community are still in the dark. Here is a reply I had from prestigious member of our community to my Facebook request for friendship:

most authoritative source of news - isn't this a little strong? How come you have no information about yourself on your blog or Facebook? If you believe so strongly in yourself then why not tell us who you are?

She obviously hasn't READ THE BLOG YET because she could see that my awesome editorial staff has come up with some fascinating stories, like the tampon store and C. Kirchner's never before mentioned affair with John Lennon. Here was my response:

Hi XXXX,

No, I don't think "authoritative" is too strong at all. Maybe it's not strong enough. Although there is not a lot of content yet, I believe my blog will be the best darn expat blog in the world, serving up nuggets of enlightenment dug up by hard-hitting investigative journalism and intuition-based reporting.

But judge for yourself.

I have filled in some more personal information in my Facebook profile. Thank you for suggesting it.

-Southpat Sue

Her reply:

I have had my blog for almost 4 years. It is syndicated on Globalpost and at times Huffington, New York Times, CNN, La Nacion, Clarin. I can tell you that what makes a blog great is the writing. I think a blog stands for itself. You can say what you want about yourself, but the content is what moves people. Whatever... Why stay anonymous if you believe so much in what you are writing? I believe only those who are ashamed to be known write anonymously. My opinion. Good luck.

Wow. NYT, CNN, and The Huf. Congratulations. However, The B.A.B. does not set it's ideal as being a sweetheart of mainstream media. I still don't think she has read the blog or looked at my Facebook profile, because she would ascertain from my interests in Argentine mime and mate colonics that I am passionate about this city.

Oh, well. I can't enlighten everyone at once.

-Southpat Sue

P.S. I'm not anonymous. I have a name. It's Southpat Sue. If I were anonymous, I would sign my posts "Anonymous."

New Study Finds American Women in 50's Have Better Chance of Getting Struck By Lightning Than finding Love in Buenos Aires

A new study, published today by the organization for fairness in intuition-based reporting, has found that American women in their 50's have a 1 in 700,025 chance of finding lasting love in Buenos Aires: slightly less than getting hit by lightning.

While American women in their twenties have a 50/50 chance, odds of finding Mr. Right drop precipitously in inverse proportion to their age.

"This has a lot to do with the differences between cultures," says Rhonda Schirmer, a sociologist who practices in the Argentine capital. "American women have a trust-based relationship paradigm. Women in their twenties who move here are able to shift that paradigm, but after age 50, it's much harder to do so. In Argentina, love and trust are not mutually exclusive."

But not all hope is lost. Brenda Baker, a 52-year-old writer and tango dancer, has fought the odds to find love with her new Argentine boyfriend, Augustine. "A lot of people warned me against dating Argentine men," explains Baker, "but sometimes it pays not to listen to advice. I found the man of my dreams in Arentina." Baker says that Augustine has plans to help her open her own tango studio once his divorce is final.

Is love possible in Argentina? Yes, but grab it while you can, says Schirmer. Life is too short to tango alone.

Floor of Area Quatro Paved With Gold

Another in a long line of expat start-ups, Area Quatro has paved its floors with gold. Why, you ask? Because it's a symbol of the Midas Touch that foreigners have starting businesses in the Silicon Valley of the South. CNN has recently just written an article about the roaring success of such small start-ups, and eyes all over the world are turning south for new opportunities in this difficult world recession. But is paving a floor with gold going too far?

"I wanted a symbol of success," says founder Marcus Fineman. "Gold symbolizes wealth. And besides, if the business fails, I have a hedge against inflation."

Although the offices are 75% complete, Fineman says he is still not sure what his business plan will turn out to be. "I want to be flexible. There are so many different opportunities. We are thinking that we will be a combination bar/tanning salon, but I'm also very bullish on the long-term real estate market, so we might have separate offices for that."

If you visit Area Quatro, be sure to wear your sunglasses. The future is bright.

"Drinking Conservatively" Cancelled Until Further Notice

Drinking Conservatively, the weekly social meeting sponsored by Republicans Overseas, has been canceled until further notice. Faith Fairchild, president of the organization said that it hadn't gotten the turnout she expected.

"Of course I'm disappointed," she commented. "I had hoped to build a community of like minded expatriates. But I think I'm either the only conservative expat in Buenos Aires, or the only expat who drinks conservatively."

Fairchild has several cases of Asti Spumante available for sale. Email republicansoverseas@gmail.com if interested.

New Tampon Store Opens in Buenos Aires!

A tampon store has opened up a new store in Barrio Norte to fill a niche market. "There is really a lack of tampons here, and I have no idea why," said Tanya, the proprietor of Women's World. "Stores carry them, but like only one brand, and it is almost like a black market for expat women. I thought I would turn the black market into a pink one."

So far Tanya's business is doing well, although it gets some strange looks from locals; most of the business is expats. Vagina-based businesses are an emerging market in third world countries, where traditional male-centric societies haven't opened their eyes to the needs of women. Tanya also sells disposable douche, feminine spray, and concentrated cranberry tablets-- a well-known remedy for bladder infections. They are looking to possibly expand into the vibrator market early 2010.

Letter From The Editor: Welcome to the Newest and Best Expat News Source in the World!

Thank you Mrs. Kirchner, for presenting us with the motivation for starting a new blog. In proposing to decriminalize libel, you have asserted Argentina as a country that not only affirms the rights of its residents to free speech, but the right of every Porteño to create his own reality.

"I prefer a billion lies to shutting someone's mouth," Fernandez said in an address to the Inter-American Human Rights Commission.

You go, girl!

In this spirit, we hope that The Buenos Aires Blog may serve as a source of information and enlightenment for all English speaking residents of Argentina's great city.

(Above is a picture of Mrs. Kirchner in her lesser-known hippie days, before she started practicing law. We have been told by unnamed sources that she adopted this look after meeting John Lenon in one of his rare trips to South America. After a short love affair with Lenon went sour, she dropped the "flower girl" persona for her "Gucci girl" image we all know and love.)