Sanford Sex Tape Not Hot Enough to Be Scandalous: Optioned by Hallmark

A new sex tape starring Mark Sanford and his Argentine lover, "Maria," was leaked to the press yesterday. But contrary to inflating the political sex scandal, it has been deemed "not sexy enough" to matter. Media insiders were hoping to see the South Carolina Governor engaged in some S&M or fun fetish behavior, but were disappointed to see Sanford and his lover covered by silk sheets, murmuring love poems to each other, with Michael Bolton music playing in the background.

"I can see hotter sex than this on HBO," commented Sharon Warner, a media consultant who specializes in publicity for movie stars and political figures. "For a sex tape to matter these days, you need at least some toe-sucking. A good sex tape can be a career-changer for a politician on his way out of office. But this is too weak."

All may not be lost for Sanford, however, because the Hallmark Channel is in talks with him to possibly turn his story into a movie-of-the-week.