Expats Plan Pringles Protest

Mad that most foreign food items could possibly be banned from grocery stores as of June 1, some foreigners in Argentina are planning a protest to show how they feel about being left without their favorite brands of ketchup and potato chips.

Silvia Smorgen, an expat from Sweden says that should the food ban go through, she is gathering a group to protest at the Obelisco with thousands of Pringles cans.

"We wanted to fill them with change and shake them," said Smorgen, "but change has started to become scarce again and we don't know if we have enough. So we will fill them with dried pasta instead. We will also bang on them with wooden spoons."

In addition, these "Pringoleras" will carry signs that say "Keep your hands off my peanut butter!" and Smorgen hopes to turn the obelisk in the center of 9 de Julio into a giant bottle of Tobasco.

"To ban imported food is to trample on our freedom," says Smorgen. "I love Argentina, I love the people, I love the steak and wine. But if I have to drink Argentine coffee, I might not be able to stay."

Interview with Tina Serif, Author of the 3.5 Hour Parenting Week

This week I was fortunate to sit down with Dr. Tina Serif, author of the very popular book, The 3.5-Hour Parenting Week. Tina is a professional Lifestyle Designer, author, motivational speaker, Ironman triathlete, and digital nomad who moved to Buenos Aires two years ago with her husband and two children.

Southpat: Tell me, Tina, the title of your book is very similar to Tim Ferriss's book The Four-Hour Workweek. Did his book inspire yours?

T.F.: Yes, Sue, it did. As a matter of fact, it was Tim's book that started me on my quest of Lifestyle Design. I was killing myself from my high-pressure job as a piano tuner in Lafayette Georgia, when I realized that there must be more to life than middle C. After reading Tim's book, I quit my job, became a consultant, and Stan and I moved to Buenos Aires. It was the best decision we ever made.

Southpat: The title of your book seems pretty incredible. People must doubt how someone can be a good parent on only 3.5 hours a week.

T.F.: Yes, I get a lot of skepticism from parents all over the country. But most people are very inefficient parents and don't even know it. If you really sit down and analyze all your parenting duties and the time they take, you will find that most of them are not core to what being a parent is- changing diapers, scheduling play dates, helping with homework- so most of those tasks can be outsourced, making you a much more efficient parent.

Southpat: What do you do with your children in the 3.5 hours you have with them? It must be quality time.

T.F.: That's exactly right: quality over quantity. Our weekly time with our children consists of intense, parent-child relationship-building activities. Sometimes we engage in trust-building exercises, meditation, zip-lining, or singing the family anthem.

Southpat: What advice do you have for parents who want to embark on this process?

T.F.: Let go of the social expectations others have of you: that you are not a good parent if you are not at every soccer game, ballet recital, or meal. Next, engage in the four-step process. First, define the kind of life you want to have. I doubt that when most people thought about having children they were thinking of picking vomit off the floor, or teaching them how to brush their teeth. Picture the kind of life parenting should be. Second, eliminate activities that aren't necessary. Family meals, for instance, are often more trouble than they are worth. Third, find a way to outsource all the non-core activities. Stan and I have a team of nannies that get the kids ready for school, help with homework, and schedule their play dates so that we can concentrate on the truly important aspects of their lives. Lastly, find a way to enjoy all your free time.

Southpat: What do you and Stan do in your free time?

T.F.: We both finished P.h.D.s, regularly go big game hunting, and are the 2007 International in tantric sex champions, endurance division.

Southpat: How has Lifestyle Design contributed to your happiness?

T.F.: Oh, Sue, I'm so happy it hurts. I know life's not a competition, but if it were, I'd be winning! I can't stop smiling. My life has never been better. I have sex every day (sometomes twice), I've lost twenty pounds, my children are thriving- they speak five languages! And I love helping people who want to do the same thing. That's why I started my Lifestyle Design consultancy, BE AWESOMER. My website is www.DONTBEAWESOMEBEAWESOMER.com

6HNV7NY6G4QN

Unpublished Borges Manuscript Found!

The Argentine National Library has announced that Borges manuscript was found that has never been published. The find was kept from the public until the authenticity could be corroborated.

"We are positive it was written by Borges," said Maria Giancola, spokesperson for the library. "The question is why he didn't have it published."

The story is titled "La Fila Infinitiva"- or "The Infinite Line" and describes a person waiting in line at a bank that has infinite funds, but the line is infinite, so they never reach the front.

The library is seeking to secure the rights from María Kodama, Borges' widow, in order to publish the manuscript publicly, but it is unknown whether she will release them. It is rumored that she has already been approached by film director Terry Gilliam.

Proposed Carbon Tax on Parrillas

The Argentina congress has proposed a carbon tax on parrillas, in order to do its part in staving off the climate change apocalypse. Argentine scientists have determined that the popular Argentine restaurants, which grill large amounts of meat over coals, contribute significantly to the amount of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere, a leading contributor to the end of the world as we know it.

“We all have to do our share,” says Summer Wheatly, a leading environmentalist in Latin America. “Parrillas are contributing more to the climate change apocalypse than any other business in Argentina. A carbon tax on parrillas will encourage them to think of alternate fuels for grilling.”

A few parrillas are wood burning, using wood cut down from the Brazilian rain forest, but wood is much more costly to import into the city of Buenos Aires. The congress is debating a foresting import subsidy to encourage the move away from carbon.

New Seminar: Dealing With an Abundance of Women

Dirk Samson, American expat and super-preneur, has a new seminar: Dealing with an Abundance of Women: How to date the flood of Argentine chicks that will flock to you in Buenos Aires. Dirk has perfected the dating technique for American men in Argentina, and developed a sure-fire system to increase dating success so that you will be having fun with a different yet gorgeous woman every night. Dirk will elaborate on his new system-

• Analyze: Focus in on the type of woman you want. Dirk will show you that no matter how picky you are, whether you have breast-size requirements or just like a perky personality, you can get what you want.
• Desensitize: Starting from the first date, get women used to being with a douchebag. Don’t build up expectations you can’t live up to later.
• Dehumanize: Think of women like a product. Don’t concentrate on their humanity, or you will get in over your head and lose out to your feelings.
• Escape: how to throw them away when you are done without any drama, and move on.
  

BONUS: Those who come to the seminar will be give a coupon for his complementary iPhone app !

Don’t miss out! Only a few spots left! Feb. 14 at Area Cuatro.

email dirkcassanova@gmail.com

(Cost $1,500 pesos )

Opinion: Cablevisión, shame on you!

Cablevisión's monthly magazine, Miradas, has interviews with celebrities every month, and the monthly schedule of programming. To make it easier to find what you are looking for, they have created the following categories: infantiles (children), deportes (sports), cine y series (movies and series), documentales (info-tainment), musicales (musical), variedades (variety), .... and.... mujer (women) !

(Click on the picture for a larger view.)

I'm SO glad they created a category just for women, because now I can find my fashion, makeover, cooking, and home decorating shows all in one place. However, I think the title is VERY unfair!

Women aren't the only people who watch food shows. If you are a fan of Francia y Sus Quesos (France and Its Cheeses) you might be a woman, but you might also be...... gay!

In the name of all my gay friends, I say shame on you, Cablevisión, for completely forgetting the one other section of society that might be interested in these programs. I suggest you change the category to "Mujer/Gay."

The categories Cablevisión has chosen for its guide reflects its closed-minded view of society. Open minds lead to open hearts, lead to world peace.

-Southpat Sue

Ask Southpat: Cheating Boyfriend

Dear Southpat:

I just found out my Argentine boyfriend is cheating on me. I know I should dump him, but I love him. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Joy


Dear Joy:

You have just moved from the "hoar" category to the "madonna" category. Congratulations! You're a keeper!

It's not that your boyfriend doesn't love you. It's that he loves you so much, he has started to think of you as the mother of his children, the one who will provide a comforting and stable home, leaving him to seek his thrills elsewhere. You have two choices:

1. If you want to be wife and mother, then embrace your power. Take his paycheck, set up house the way you want it, and tell him if he ever cheats on you, it's over. Of course, he will still cheat on you- but at least he will be more careful so you won't find out. And if he's a good provider, then don't complain. Life could be worse.

2. If you want to be the party-girl, then you better lose a few pounds, get a boob job, and start doing your Kegel exercises. Every year your competition is that much younger.

Either way, this isn't going to be your Hollywood romantic comedy, soul-mate, love affair. It's complicated, it's dysfunctional, it's... Argentine. It's partitioned differently than North American relationships. You are not his best friend. You're his girlfriend. Here, there's a difference.

I didn't make the rules, honey. I just report them. Good luck.

-Sue

The Urban Yurt: The perfect accessory for your Digital Nomad Lifestyle

The economic crisis in the U.S. and the relative affordability of South America has spurned a trend of movement south by those whose work is "location independent," or, as they like to call themselves, Digital Nomads. Finding housing can be a challenge, however, especially in a city like Buenos Aires, in which many landlords require a guarantee by a property owner in order to secure a rental agreement. Some nomads have found a solution to this problem by bringing their housing with them: the urban yurt. A portable dwelling of 150-square feet with wooden floors that can be set up or taken down in a day, yurts are agile, flexible, and affordable.

"I don't couch surf anymore," says Mike Wilkins, a 7-year dedicated nomad. "I terrace surf. with my yurt, I can pop my own space on a rooftop in a day, bringing my own bedroom with me. It's the perfect solution. What's more, I can put it all in the back of a taxi when I need to move on." Mike uses a laptop with Internet access through a telephone company, and is connected wherever he goes.

While not recommended, some nomads also "stealth yurt," setting up their portable dwellings in abandoned buildings, parking garages, or rooftops that are rarely visited. When they need to move, they can be out in a couple of hours.

Wilkins does confess to some drawbacks of the yurt lifestyle. His yurt was stolen on his first day in Buenos Aires, for example, because he terrace-surfed with the wrong people. It is not weatherproof, and does not have bathroom facilities. Some point out the fine line between the "yurt lifestyle" and being a homeless guy with a tent. But Wilkins remains undaunted.

"It's the wave of the future," says Wilkins, "A true nomad isn't confined to one place. Wherever I am, I am home. It's very liberating."

Welcome to BAB, Iran!

The now WORLD FAMOUS Buenos Aires Blog would like to welcome it's first visitor from Iran! With Ahmadinejad's (pronounced Ahm-a-Dinner-Jacket) recent visit to Brazil, it appears that the Middle East is turning it's eyes to the South:


Perhaps since Iran does not have any gays in it's country, and Buenos Aires known as a gay-friendly city, Iranians are a little gay-curious. Hmmm?

Southpat's Super-Simple Spanish Tips

From Six Conjugations, to One!

One of the most challenging things for Spanish speakers to adjust to when learning a Latin-based language is conjugating all those verbs. Memorizing verb endings is way too confusing, so the BAB has come up with some helpful tips to streamline the learning process:

In most Spanish textbooks, you will find the following pronouns to conjugate verbs with:

• Yo
• Vos (or Tú)
• Usted/El/Ella
• Ellos/Ellas/Ustedes
• Nosotros
• Vosotros

Let's take a look at these one by one, and see if we can simplify your Spanish learning by eliminating the unnecessary ones:

Yo: You don't need it if you talk about yourself in the third person.
Example:

¿Te gustan los libros de L. Ron Hubbard, Southpat?

Si, Southpat le gustan mucho. Son muy graciosos.

Vos/Tú: Let's just eliminate this confusion altogether. Why bother yourself with whether you need to speak Porteño or like the resst of Latin America? Just use the formal with everybody. They will get used to it.
Example:

Hola, Southpat! ¿Cómo estas?

Muy, bien, Tom. ¿Y Usted? ... Que bueno! ¿Y cómo esta Katie?

Ellos/ Ellas/ Ustedes: You can avoid this by rephrasing sentences to avoid using "they." Instead mention a single person first, and then someone else at the end of the sentence.
Example:

Southpat! ¿Cuándo estan viniendo John Travolta y Kelly Preston ?

John esta viniendo a las ocho. Y Kelly tambien.

Nosotros: You can avoid this by careful rephrasing as well.
Example:

Southpat, Tom y vos tienen lo mismo auditor?

Si. Yo tengo David Miscavige. Y Tom tambien.

Vosotros: Don't bother with this one. Only Spaniards use it. And no one trusts them.

As you can see, with Southpat's Simple Spanish Method (trademark pending), the teduim of memorizing conjugations is gone! From six persons to one!

Next time, vocabulary tips....

Exclusive Interview with Health Guru Shri Shri Swami Swami Shri

Interview with Guru Shri Shri Swami Swami Shri on his forthcoming book, The Four New Humours: How to Balance Your Body, Mind, and Spirit to Get Everything You Want in Life Without Having to Do Too Much

Southpat: First, thank you so much for agreeing to spend some time with me. I know you have a very busy schedule right now, with your Oprah appearance coming up.

S.S.S.S.S.: The pleasure is mine.

Southpat: Tell us what inspired your book.

S.S.S.S.S.: The concept of the four humours is an ancient one, connecting the body with the four natural powers: earth, fore, water, and air. These principles are still applicable today, but our world has become much more complicated. So I have updated the conversation to include a more modern version, easily understandable by everyone.

Southpat: Tell us about the first humour: Snark.

S.S.S.S.S.: Snark manifests itself physically in a bitter taste in the mouth, and aching in the joints. The psychological manifestations are irritation at laughing babies, outbursts of cynical comments at inappropriate times, and the inability to trust.

Southpat: What can we do to balance an over-abundance of Snark?

S.S.S.S.S.: Well, I have several recipes in my book, but a simple one is to eat dark chocolate. In addition to being a good source of anti-oxidants, it balances Snark.

Southpat: And the opposite of Snark is Sap. Tell me about Sap.

S.S.S.S.S.: Sap physically manifests in many tears, and reddening of the skin. Many people with an over-abundance of Sap watch romantic comedies and listen to Michael Bublé. A good remedy for this is a coffee colonic, and in truth, drinking mate. I find that people in Buenos Aires rarely have an over-abundance of Sap.

Southpat: What is the third humor?

S.S.S.S.S.: Lube. People usually suffer from a lack, not an over-abundance. Physically, it manifests itself as dry eyes, and constipation. Psychologically, the libido suffers, and people tend to forget to groom themselves properly. Sexual activity is a wonderful remedy for a lack of lube.

Southpat: No one talks much about the fourth humour, Yeast.

S.S.S.S.S.: Yes, this is one which suffers from a lack of attention. People with an over-abundance of yeast are often gaseous, with much flatulence. They tend to have a bad body odor as well. Over-yeasters also become distracted, forgetting what they are doing from moment to moment. My favorite practice to balance yeast is to play the didgeridoo, or other wind instrument.

Southpat: What other advice can we find on your companion website?

S.S.S.S.S.: I have many recipes, and you can also buy my new product Good-Humour Bars, which are a nutritionally balanced snack. I have my own yoga tape, feng-shui book, lectures, zafus for zen meditation, my own line of skin product, and very soon, I will be conducting exclusive sweat-lodge retreats for only $10,000 per participant.

Southpat: Thank you so much for spending time with us today.

S.S.S.S.S.: The pleasure was all mine. Peace and good humour be with you.

Sanford Sex Tape Not Hot Enough to Be Scandalous: Optioned by Hallmark

A new sex tape starring Mark Sanford and his Argentine lover, "Maria," was leaked to the press yesterday. But contrary to inflating the political sex scandal, it has been deemed "not sexy enough" to matter. Media insiders were hoping to see the South Carolina Governor engaged in some S&M or fun fetish behavior, but were disappointed to see Sanford and his lover covered by silk sheets, murmuring love poems to each other, with Michael Bolton music playing in the background.

"I can see hotter sex than this on HBO," commented Sharon Warner, a media consultant who specializes in publicity for movie stars and political figures. "For a sex tape to matter these days, you need at least some toe-sucking. A good sex tape can be a career-changer for a politician on his way out of office. But this is too weak."

All may not be lost for Sanford, however, because the Hallmark Channel is in talks with him to possibly turn his story into a movie-of-the-week.

Play "Spot The Extranjeros" with BAB!

Send in your pictures of extranjero sightings! They tend to wear large sneakers, baseball caps, and look up. Maybe we will even sponsor a prize for the best pic of November! (Free pickle-brine colonic?)

Send pics to: southpatsue@gmail.com

Expat Dies in Tragic Mime Accident

Yesterday at 2:00 in the afternoon, Richard Andersen, an expatriate from Norway was hit by a bus while participating in an exercise for his mime class.

It was the third day of the 37-week intensive course in International Mime, in which students' first assignment is to practice "moving freely in the city." Unfortunately, Andersen was not aware that he still had to be on the lookout for traffic, as pedestrians do not have the right-of-way in Buenos Aires. Crossing Santa Fe against the light, he was struck down by the #152.

Andersen's cousin Anette Andersen, is trying to have his body flown back to Norway. "We want him to be buried in a glass box," says Andersen, "because we think that is what he would have wanted."

No charges are to be filed against the bus driver.

Ask Southpat: Etiquette Tips for Foreigners in BsAs

Dear Southpat:

I'm going to be traveling with my wife to Buenos Aires this November. Can you recommend any etiquette tips that will prevent me from being looked at askance?

Thanks,

Carl

Dear Carl,

I'm so glad you asked. Yes, there are several things I recommend:

1. Talk really loud in restaurants. And when people don't understand you, talk louder. It helps.

2. Comment loudly about how cheap everything is, especially when you are with Argentine acquaintances. It makes them feel proud about the good value they are offering to foreigners.

3. If you get invited to dinner at 9:00 PM, it really means 8:55. It's important to be prompt.

4. If you have to stand in a long line for anything, go ahead and march right up to the front. People don't mind if you go first, as you are a foreigner.

5. Waiters should be on top of it all the time. If you don't get your check promptly, point at your watch to let him know you are in a hurry and tell him "andale! check-o!" You might need to get visibly huffy, but you should be in and out of a cafe in 15 minutes of you need to.

6. Big, puffy, marshmallow-like tennis shoes are really in style this season. So is the "deck hand look": cargo shorts, T-shirt, baseball cap, and sandals.

7. No one shops without their Starbucks to-go cup in their hand. Always carry it with you.

8. Topics of interest at cocktail parties with locals are the Falkland Islands, and American football. They are big fans of the 49ers.

9. It's really macho to show how much you can drink in the least amount of time.

Hope these tips help. Have fun!

Southpat Sue

"Frodo" Added to List of Argentine Baby Names

Video game developers and New Zealand natives, Aragorn and Arwen Walker, finally got news that their soon-to-be-born son will be allowed to have the name they have always wished for: Frodo.

Children born in Argentina are required to have names that are chosen from a state-approved list, most of which were traditionally names of Catholic saints. But over the years, the Argentine government has been more and more lenient with the law, approving those names which have become popular in other countries, or are consistent with the family's cultural traditions.

Huge fans of the Lord of The Rings trilogy, The Walkers changed their first names shortly after they met. They always planned to name their children from the story as well. "We were a little nervous at first that the Argentine government would consider Frodo too wackadoo," commented Aragorn. "But after we showed them the deep roots that the literary tradition and Renaissance Fairs have in our family, they conceded."

Frodo Walker is due on the 31st of October.

Religious Theme Park Considering Maradona Water Slide

Maradona's celebration of the Argentine national soccer team's win over Peru has become so popular, that Tierra Santa, a religious theme park in Buenos Aires, is considering building a water slide to honor it.



The proposal is for a giant water slide with a statue of Maradona at the top with arms outstretched. But there are a few minor considerations, the first is that the slide would not be in keeping with the major theme of the park, Christ's Crucifuxion.

"We are in negotiations now," says a spokesperson for the park. "We are thinking we might have a separate area dedicated to the slide. But it still depends largely on the performance of the national team. If they win the world cup, it would indeed be a miracle."

Pickle-Brine Colonic: Boost Your Immune System

A spa in Recoleta, BellaCuerpo, has developed a new treatment for those who are worried about contracting swine flu: The pickle-brine colonic. It's advertised as a sure-fire way to boost your immune system and leaving you refreshed. Ada Martinez, the spa's owner, says the cure has been a family remedy for ages, and she decided to share the secret with the rest of the world.

"My great-grandmother discovered the treatment when she had to store her pickle brine in an enema bag my uncle used it accidentally. We've been using it in my family for ages, and I recently introduced it in the spa. Clients love it."

Ada claims that the special colon cleanse not only increases your chances of battling the flu, but also has helped several members of her family overcome their alcohol addictions. Clients of the spa who have tried it say it leaves them feeling refreshed and energetic. What's more, some clients report a pleasant after-effect of flatulence that smells like dill. The treatment costs $75 pesos and takes about half an hour.

New Children's Book Celebrates the Joys of Protesting

Bang That Pot, Baby! is a new picture book by Felicity Summers celebrating the group ritual of freedom of expression. Summers, an American living in Buenos Aires with her family for the last three years, has been struck both by the strong sense of family in South America, and the strong desire for expression. Protests are common in Buenos Aires, with residents taking to the streets in large numbers, banging pots and pans in support of their favorite cause.

"There is no reason why a protest should not be a family affair," says Summers. "Even if the children are not old enough to understand the cause, they understand solidarity. When I protested against Bush in the U.S., we had a neighborhood party, with all the children coloring in the signs. It's a fun way for them to participate in democracy. It's never too young to learn to speak out."

Bang That Pot, Baby! celebrates the fun of protesting South American Style with her own photographs, and whimsical rhymes:

I bang them in the house,
I bang them in the street,
It's a happy party
With everyone I meet!

I bang them in the yard,
I bang them on TV!
On the boulevard,
Hey, Mommy, look at me!

I bang them for a cause,
I wave my little sticks,
Even though I'm young,
I'm learning politics!

Bang That Pot, Baby! is available on Amazon.com.

Ask Southpat: Is My Argentine Girlfriend Only After My Money?

Dear Southpat:

I have been dating an Argentine girl for about three months now. She is beautiful and fun to be with. I'm beginning to worry, however, that she's only after my money. Should I be worried that I'm dating a gold-digger?

Sincerely,

Joe

Dear Joe:

Of course she's after after your money. Who cares? It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. You're not settling for a horse-face, don't hold it against her for not settling for a broke loser.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a better standard of living, and there is nothing wrong with an Argentine trophy wife. They're all the rage. Ask Matt Damon or Robert Duvall. You bring home the bacon, and she cooks it up in a thong. It's a win-win.

Sincerely,

Southpat Sue